I’ve always been someone who does many different things. I heard someone on the radio this morning call themselves a generalist, and I guess that’s what I am. In high school I played football and basketball, but I was also in scholar’s bowl, math relays, speech, editor of the school paper. On top of that, I was involved in two different youth groups and worked with my Dad on the farm. I wasn’t the best at many things, but I could usually hold my own.
As I grew older my interests never really ceased. In fact, they may have become more varied. At times I’ve been obsessed with history, theology, politics, music, meteorology, computers, flying, languages, sports, writing, etc. You name it, I can probably give you some unimportant fact about it that I’ve picked up somewhere.
My frustration stems from not having much depth in any subject (save one), but having such a breadth of things I’m interested in. Before I am able to have more than a passing understanding about a topic, I get distracted by something else (ooo, shiny things!) and off I go on another hunt for information. I can’t explain why, it’s just the way that I’m wired. Link diving on Wikipedia could consume gratuitous amounts of time if I allow it to.
I’m fairly well versed in the use of technology in business, mainly because that’s what my two degrees are in. I’m more than conversant in programming and web stuff because that’s what I do every day. I don’t know if this satisfies most people, but it doesn’t me. For some reason I have this primal desire to know everything about everything.
What prompted this was a couple of things. First, I love (certain types of) music, and I love playing the guitar and singing. I’m blessed right now to be at a church where I’m able to lead worship and do both of these things. However, I know that I’m not the best guitarist or vocalist on the planet, maybe not even in the church. Not that I want to be better than someone else, but I wish I was more skilled in those areas. I see others lead worship in such an effortless and happy way and feel envious. I want to do the same thing, but if I do I know it will look and feel forced. I want to be better than I am, but can’t find the path to get there. I want to know more, to have such a depth of musical ability as to be the best I can be, but it just doesn’t happen.
Second, I was reading some of the sites that I have set up in Google Reader and marveling over how well many of them were written. At times I really wish I would write more, but I feel that most of my thoughts are either pointless, or better worded by someone else. Again, I’m better than some, but worse than many as well.
As an aside, don’t think I’m fishing for compliments here either. My wife and I were watching a reality show last week (I’m not going to say what it was, but Collette can rat me out if she wants) and there was a contestent on there who constantly said “I did horrible” or “that was the worst I’ve ever done” in order to get compliments. She was called on it by the host of the show, and it kind of convicted me on the same thing.
Am I insecure about these things? Probably. In fact, most likely. Regardless of the face I put on, most of the time I’m not the most confident person you’ll ever meet, especially when I’m face to face with you. That’s one of the most frustrating things to me though. I know that I can hold my own in most situations, but so many times I feel like the scared 18 year old kid off to college for the first time, unsure of his place in the world.
On the other hand, there are two things that I am continuing to get better at. I’m a much better husband and father than I was even a year ago. Every day I’m more in love with my small tribe. I tell my wife I love her twice as much as I did yesterday and half as much as I will tomorrow.
What I pray is that I learn to be content with the way God made me, and not be envious of those who were gifted with skills that I admire. It’s hard. I would love to be a respected theologian who can also make a guitar sound as enticing as the Greek Sirens, an uncanny predictor of the weather who also speaks five languages. However, I’ll be happy with being a father that four(?) children admire, respect, learn from, love, and count as someone who strived to raise them Biblically. I’ll be happy being a husband such that my wife knows from experience what it is to be loved as Christ loves His church. I’ll do my best at everything else.
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