Life hits bottom, digs

by clay on July 19, 2007

So, I’m sure you all read what I wrote last week. And I’m sure most of you have figured out what it was about. Here’s a downdate (I can’t call it an update because that’s not the direction it’s going).

Tuesday morning I decided that my ear felt like it was dirty, so I would clean it out. I put the Q-Tip in my ear and since then, I can barely hear out of my left ear. It’s the same feeling that you get when someone hits you in the head and your ear rings, only it’s a constant ringing. For three days now, my ear has been stopped up and I’m crankier than I was before because I can’t hear. I’m going to the doctor today even though we can’t afford it. I’m hoping it’s something simple, but I doubt it will be.

A wrote on here several months back about a song called Miracle Maker. Right now, there is a portion of this song that describes me.


I’m waiting here for my life to change,
When the waters stir you can rearrange me.
Just one touch is all I need,
I’ve nothing much but the wounds I feel,
I’m looking for the hand of the miracle man.

I’m just holding on right now. I know that whatever is going on, no matter what kind of downward spiral life feels like it is on, my faith is secure. I know who God is and that He loves us, but I feel like an abandoned child, one who has been abandoned by God, by life, by friends and family, by happiness, and by joy. I’m waiting here for my touch. I have faith that with one touch, all can be made whole. In the grand scheme of things, this will probably be a minor problem, but right now it’s so painful and so rough that I can only look forward to the end of it. I truly feel that Satan is attacking me, but Satan can not attack without God allowing it. Therefore, God is allowing me to get beaten up for a reason. If I only knew what that reason was, I could learn my lesson and be done with it, but I don’t. As a sign at my office says, “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

Life is full of jagged edges, and I’m cut up pretty bad right now. I’m reminded of a part of the film Serenity, when Mal and Zoe are speaking about both the ship they live on and Zoe, who had just lost her husband.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds:
You think she’ll hold together?

Zoë:
She’s torn up plenty, but she’ll fly true.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds:
Could be bumpy.

Zoë:
Always is.

  • http://

    I’m praying for you!!!
    whatever you need let me know…

    D

  • frtnr_mama

    I’m sorry that I didn’t read this earlier, but if you haven’t already gone to the doctor, try ear candles. GNC, or probably any health food store will have them–less than $10. I bet it would clear everything right up. They always work for me.

    About the dark side, actually, that is something that I remember very strongly about you while getting to know you. (You were a bit bummed out about a certain lady interest…) It’s good though, that you recognize it and can pray specifically for that part. I hope that the light has, by now, broken through your clouds.

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